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-Brian T. Guliar (YAGH!!! A SPIDER JUST LANDED ON ME!)

July 20, 2005

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL– The true murderer/attempted murderer of Mike L. Mulvey, Reynolds, and Chris Stryker was revealed last Friday at the Elk Grove VFW Hall in Elk Grove Village. Friends and family waited anxiously while super cool bands The Chimney Sweeps and The Roadkill Eddies played through their melodic sets. Finally, Operetta came on stage, played five songs (with Zombie Mulvey on bass) and then introduced Rufus Q. Inglemyer, the man designated to reveal the true culprit of the Mike L. Mulvey murder mystery case. Rufus made a pointless reference to the Cartoon Network show, Case Closed, and then proclaimed, "Without examining any of the evidence, I have come to the conclusion that the man who murdered Mike L. Mulvey, and did all that other stuff, was none other than John Tristan!"

While the crowd gasped in disbelief, the members of Operetta screamed for Tristan’s head. John was apprehended and brought on stage. When asked why he did it, John had the following to say: "Well, I was reading the Bible and I came across this part that says ‘Thou shalt not kill’, and I interpreted that as if you do kill Mike Mulvey you’ll get his mad bass powers. And I wanted them for myself, so I killed Mike L. Mulvey! ...But the thing is, once I killed him I went to play bass and it sucked, and then I went back and listened to the Operetta stuff and was like ‘this isn’t that great’, so I was just kind of in overdrive then..." John tried to say he was sorry, but was instead tackled and beaten by Mike Mulvey, Chris Stryker, Ricky Adame, and Brian Gulik. A distant voice in the crowd could be heard screaming, "You need to leave!" Tristan then left, and Operetta continued their set.

In related news, besides an incident in which he was having trouble getting a song started, Zombie Mulvey seemed to be in top form on Friday. When asked why he didn’t look like a zombie, Mulvey had this to say: "I give most zombies a lot of credit for all the work they go through every day. Most people don’t realize this, but zombies are very self-conscious about their looks. In fact, I’d say they spend more time doing their hair and make-up than most women I know. Personally, I just don’t have the time or dedication for that." When asked about Tristan murdering him, Mulvey stated, "Meh, it’s no biggie."

Overall, the night was quite the spectacle filled with many sights, sounds, and surprises. "I really thought Joe did it." said Operetta hard-working roadie, Brett Lonergan. Before the night ended the members of Operetta made this statement: "It was sure annoying to keep having bassists die whenever we wanted to practice, but if you promise not to do it again, John, then we’ll let you back into our treehouse club. Don’t forget, it’s your turn to bring the cup cakes on Friday."

With the Mike L. Muvley murder mystery case closed, a life lesson can be learned: "When life gives you lemons, grab an umbrella and look the hell out! You’re probably about to get bombarded with a shit-load of lemons that all your enemies picked up before you got there." This is Rufus Q. Inglemeyer reporting and signing out.

-Rufus Q. Inglemyer
  Associated Press

Thursday, July 14, 2005

WHEELING, IL–New developments in the Mulvey/Reynolds mystery case are extremely odd and fruitful. Chris Stryker, bassist of the Children’s Sing Along Band, The RoadKill Eddies, was found in a state of absolute madness late Tuesday night. Stryker was apprehended while trying to climb a radio tower and shouting "WBBI can suck a pie!" Eye witnesses said that when police got Stryker down from the tower he had been mumbling something about how Purgatory smelled weird. "It was crazy, Chris was like totally going insane in the membrane," stated fellow band member and ex-Purgatory visitor John Tristan. After several hours of nonsensical and incoherent questioning of Stryker, police finally managed to make out one somewhat coherent string of ideas: Somehow, the same attacker of Mulvey and Reynolds accosted Stryker and convinced him that he was dead and, in fact, floating around in Purgatory. Being the gullible and easily manipulated bassist that he is, Chris readily believed he was dead, and proceeded into a state of madness.

The so-called remaining "sane" members of The RoadKill Eddies had this to say about Stryker’s condition: "Chris, you’re not dead, you’re just an idiot. Please snap out of it before our show on Friday. Tell you what, if you’re not crazy anymore by Friday, we’ll give you a Flintstones Icee Push Pop. You love those, right? Well, Gianna just got back from the store, and we have a whole box of them, but you have to be sane to have one. Crazy people can’t have any Flintstones Icee Push Pops because they’ll just smash them on their head and then roll around in the mess. Please snap out of it you fool. We love you...as a friend...as nothing more than a friend."

In similar news, the three surviving members of Operetta were all taken in for questioning early Wednesday morning. Police have found numerous random pieces of evidence, including a loin cloth, a package of joke gum that gives third degree burns to whomever eats it, a hotdog, and the ‘A’ string from a guitar, that link the Operetta members to the Mulvey, Reynolds, and Stryker cases. Brian T. Gulik of the band had the following to say, "I want separate lawyers! If I’m going down, those two fools, Phil and Mike, will cushion my fall. I had nothing to do with Mulvey’s death. I mean, come on! I did the guy’s zombie makeup! I’m so obviously the killer, I mean, not, NOT the killer! Do you know where I can get a chocolate donut? Man, I’ve been dying for a chocolate donut, heh, but I guess no one is dying more than that bastard Mulvey....oh crap, is this thing still on? What the...!"

While the musicians are all currently being held under police supervision, authorities promise that Mike Bruzik, Phil Battaglia, and Brian T. Gulik will be released, regardless of potential guilt, in order to play their scheduled show at the Elk Grove VFW this Friday, July 15 at 6:00 p.m. (400 E. Devon - 1/2 mile east of Arlington Heights Rd in Elk Grove Village). Who says the legal system doesn’t work?

An anonymous source has indicated that the real murderer/insane inducer of Mike L. Mulvey, Reynolds, and Chris Stryker will be revealed at the Operetta/RoadKill Eddies show on Friday. While the list of suspects is large, the leading contenders include Brian T. Gulik, Mike Bruzik, Phil Battaglia, Nick Bennet, Brett, Patrick Lawson, Robot Phil, Maggie Simpson, Gianna Purcell, Mike L. Mulvey, Rufus Q. Inglemyer, Rob (the sound guy from Bumpers), Bella (Phil’s Dog), Zach Poulos, Spud, Mo McKibbon, Mel, Shadow (Brian’s deceased cat whom he wrote a song about), the ghost of Ian Curtis, Mr. Burns, the collective members of The Chimney Sweeps (also performing on Friday), the Commander (from the Aquabats), Scooby-Doo, Mike the monkey, Julianna, some random guy, Penny, you, and, it probably was Ricky.

We left a whole bunch of clues in all of the posts and all over Operetta’s myspace (www.myspace.com/operetta). For example, the picture that goes along with this post is full of hints. Originally, when Mike Bruzik created the symbol, he made each square represent a particular band member. Notice how one square has a knife in it’s hand. Could this be hinting at something? Probably not, but it’s worth considering. Also, Ian Curtis, the ex-lead singer of the punk band, Joy Division, who’s birthday is on July 15, might have something to do with the case. (Perhaps Mulvey’s obsession with this musician somehow led to his ultimate demise.) Hey kids, use your investigative skills to search out all the clues and solve the mystery!

-Rufus Q. Inglemyer
  Associated Press

P.S.  Go to www.myspace.com/operetta to download the deceased Mike L. Mulvey interview video.

July 6, 2005

New Operetta Bassist, Reynolds, Found Murdered Today!

WHEELING, IL–New better bassist and hetero-friend, Reynolds, who replaced Mulvey in the superhero rock band, Operetta, was found murdered today outside Taco Bell. It is unclear what Reynolds was doing at Taco Bell, but friends suspect he was sneaking a "Chaco-taco" the tasty taco dessert treat only available at your local taco delicacy outlet (while supplies last). Reynolds was found face down in a pile of cinnamon twists in the parking lot with stab wounds to his inner thighs, stomach, and neck. All the wounds seem to have been made by a nearby "Keep Off the Grass" sign. If there was anything Reynolds should have kept off, it was surely the grass, and maybe a few ten pounds. ...I mean, I’m not saying Reynolds was fat, but when he jumped, the power when out...

The striking similarity of this horrid crime to the Mulvey murder case have convinced police that it was the same killer in both instances. This new information almost entirely clears Robot Phil, who was previously charged with the murder of Mulvey, but was in police custody during the time of Reynolds murder. So unless there is a very crafty copy cat, or any other kind of cat for that matter, out there, Robot Phil is innocent in the Mike L. Mulvey murder case.

With the killer still at large; fans, associates, and ex-members of Operetta are fearing for their lives. Specifically, ex-bassists for Operetta Patrick Lawson and Jon Zeivel have announced that they’re going into hiding until the real killer is found. "If this wacko jerk-face is targeting Operetta bassists, I’m not going to be anywhere within hotdog throwing distance of this town," said ex-Operetta member and still hetero-friend of the band, Patrick Lawson.

In response to the murders, the surviving members of Operetta have released the following statement: "We know you’re out there you damn bassist murderer. You tried to blame it on our friend, Robot Phil, and that’s not cool. You need a lesson in how to be cool. Killing is not cool. Ska music and cookies are cool. Why don’t you have a cookie and just chill out, ok? What’s you’re problem anyway, you big meanie!? If we find out who you are, we’re telling your mommy! Why don’t you go to your graduation party? We hate you."

-Rufus Q. Inglemyer
  Associated Press

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Robot Phil Arrested for Mulvey Murder

ANTIOCH, IL–Authorities apprehended Robot Phil Wednesday after he allegedly hopped a train heading for Antioch, Illinois. After being transported back to Wheeling, Robot Phil was charged with the murder of Mike L. Mulvey, beloved bass player and hetero-friend of the rock band, Operetta. Mulvey was found on Friday with numerous stab wounds to the arms and eyes caused by a plastic "Employee Must Wash Hands" sign.

Upon questioning, Robot Phil pleaded with authorities, stating that he was innocent. Police paid little attention to Robot Phil’s pleas, mostly because they were uttered in an incoherent Acid Jazz rhythmic dialect. There is a hint of doubt that Robot Phil might not be the real murderer. A translator was unable to be found.

In similar news, Reynolds, the new, better, bassist for Operetta was reported missing late Monday night after he failed to show up for band practice. "Yarg, this is just like Reynolds to ditch band practice all the time," says guitarist of Operetta, Mike Bruzik. Police at this time have no leads on the case.

-Rufus Q. Inglemyer
  Associated Press